Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
