i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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