if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
