not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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