you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
