There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
