you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
