Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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