he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
