You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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