Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
