have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
