genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
