The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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