Just took my morning after pill in the library
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
