Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Randomize
