rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
