i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think I have vodka in my lungs
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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