i just made my gag reflex go away.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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