There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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