Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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