I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
