You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
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How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
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How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible