I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast