24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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