Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
