I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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