I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
