I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
