woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
