You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
