it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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