Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he quoted the bible to break up with me
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
