Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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