I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
