the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
