I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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