So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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