This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
