I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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