im about as happy as oj after his trial
We got so high we made milksteak
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
