Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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