his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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