I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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