I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
