Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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