The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
