I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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