I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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