He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
