Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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