I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
