Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
