my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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