Don't make out with my wife yet
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
