Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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