i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
