As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
