; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
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You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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