True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
