I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
