It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
