There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
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